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Review: Rampage (2009)

By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer

Best Bad Quote:

“Why don’t you make me a double espresso machiatto with extra foam.  Why don’t you make it like your life depends on it.”

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The writer/director/producer of Rampage, Uwe Boll, received a “Worst Career Achievement” award at the Razzies back in 2009.  That should tell you a little something about the caliber of this ass clowns work.  Between Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson, they’ve pretty much managed to ruin every single video game adaptation.  Seeing as how Rampage was not based on a video game, I thought I’d give Boll the benefit of the doubt.  And I will never make that mistake again.

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Rampage is the story of Bill Williamson, a 23 year old loser who is still living at home.  We see a day in the life of Bill when his parents tell him they want him to move out, tough love motivation to get their son to do something with his life.  From there he proceeds to have a heated run-in with a barista, a meal with his preachy best friend, and be berated by his boss who treats him like…well, most bosses, like crap.  That night Bill tells his parents that he’s going to start applying to colleges and that their tough love was just the kick in the butt he needed.  Instead of applying to college however, Bill builds a Kevlar armored suit and takes to the streets on a senseless rampage seeking revenge on all those who have wronged him, with plenty of innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire.

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Before I launch into everything I hate about this movie, I will start off with a positive.  The directing was actually halfway decent.  Some interesting shots, uses of slow motion, good handheld camera work, all in all, pretty decent compared to Uwe Boll’s other steaming turds.  Now that my compliment is out of the way, let me say firmly that this movie was grotesquely horrendous.  Bill Williamson who winds up going on a Columbine-esque shooting spree has no real motive.  I mean the guy may have had a bad day, but it’s not like he lost his house, lost millions in the stock market, or a family member died.  No, the most aggravating part of Bill’s day was that a barista didn’t make his macchiato properly.  As thin as this script was, they could have at least come up with some better motivating factors for Bill’s killing spree because instead of understanding where this psychopath is coming from, we just think of him as this bat-shit crazy, angsty 23 year old who is blaming everyone else for his own pathetic existence.

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As much as I love a movie chock full o’ violence, the violence in Rampage was obscenely gratuitous and not in a good way.  It almost seemed like Uwe Boll was living out some sick fantasy of wanting to murder all of his critics which wouldn’t surprise me because if you’ve seen any interviews with Boll, you know he’s just as crazy, if not crazier, than his protagonist.  If the story here was captivating, then the absurd body count might have been justified, but instead Boll just tries to hurry through the exposition so he can get to slaughtering people.

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This might be the most aesthetically pleasing of Boll’s movies but the nonsensical narrative makes me want to sign up the next time Boll challenges his critics to a boxing match and clock him right in the teeth.  Don’t bother watching Rampage; instead keep holding out hope that they’ll eventually make the Nintendo video game adaptation of the same name…and that Uwe Boll will have nothing to do with it.

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Rating:

1 out of 5 Bird Flippin’ Uwe Boll’s

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3 Responses to “Review: Rampage (2009)”

  1. This probably makes me a bad bad movie lover or something because Boll is the King of Bad movies, but I get absolutely no enjoyment from Uwe Boll movies like I do from other bad movies. I can’t stand them. I’ve never found one of them hilariously bad, or enjoyable in its badness. Just thinking about watching a Boll movie pisses me off. “Alone in the Dark,” a movie that people “love” for its awfulness, took me YEARS and many, many attempts to get through. Ugh. I hate his movies.

    I don’t disagree that Boll was living out a fantasy in this movie. After all, he did challenge his critics to a boxing match and beat the shit out of at least one.

    • Aaron says:

      I’m totally with you. There are plenty of bad movies that are a lot of fun to watch, however Uwe Boll just puts out absoluter garbage time and time again.

  2. Scott says:

    Keep making these type of movies! Clever and amusing sick humor to the movie. I enjoyed it and one of my favorites.

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