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Review: The Darkest Hour (2011)

by Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer

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Best Bad Quote:

“They came here with a plan.”

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Do they ever not come here with a plan?  I mean, it’s not like they’re on an intergalactic road trip and decide to use Earth as they’re rest stop bathroom after eating a gas station burrito that didn’t agree with them.  Though that concept is slightly more interesting than The Darkest Hour.

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As a friend to the site @SDCain put it, “It’s like someone found a ‘neat’ effect and decided to make a crappy movie around it.”  That description couldn’t possibly be more accurate.  I will wholeheartedly admit that I did not go see The Darkest Hour expecting to write a Bad Movie Nite review of it.  Sure, it looked like it might be a little cheesy, but it also looked like it could be a solid alien invasion flick coming out at Christmas, a time at the movies usually reserved for Oscar contenders and kiddie movies.  So needless to say, I was duped by the film’s trailer.  Also, as long as I’m being honest, I may have a little bit of a man crush on Emile Hirsch ever since I saw Into the Wild.  I thought, “There’s no way Emile would star in a terrible movie, right?”  Wrong.

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The premise from the trailer seems interesting enough.  Couple of Americans travel to Moscow and aliens in the form of glowing energy lightning bolt things invade the planet turning everyone into dust.  It turns out that these aliens are here for our electricity conducting minerals and can only be seen around electric objects.  Now, our lone survivors must find a way to defeat these invaders and take their planet back.

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Okay, so it sounds like every single alien invasion movie you’ve ever seen, but the catch here is that we’re in Moscow, and the aliens aren’t little green men.  That’s where the originality ends unfortunately.  Everything else about this movie is complete and utter shite.  There is not one character you give a flying f**k about.  Screenwriter Jon Spaihts’ dialogue is so terrible it would make Phillip Seymour Hoffman look like Keanu Reeves.  This also makes me a tad bit nervous for Prometheus since it’s the same writer.  The logic for most of the plot points makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  And some of these Russian actors are so bad, I would rather had the filmmakers hire American actors to do bad Russian accents than these Russian thespians trying to put together a coherent English sentence.

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Literally, the only redeeming quality of The Darkest Hour was the half-decent CGI.  A lot of people are shitting on the movie for having terrible VFX, but compared to some movies with much higher budgets (Spider Man 3, I’m looking at you), I thought the VFX in this movie were pretty decent.  At least until you see what the aliens look like inside their orbs of glowing energy.  For some reason, the filmmakers decided to make the aliens look like something out of a bad cartoon rolling around in their orbs of ridiculousness.

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The Darkest Hour is not only going to make my “Worst of 2011” list for the year, but probably my “Worst Movies of All Time” list for all eternity.  This movie is BAD.  So bad, I’m pissed my fiancé and I wasted perfectly good gift certificates on the movie.  We saw it for free and wanted a refund.  Do yourself a favor and see a movie this holiday season that doesn’t make you wish you were disintegrated by mysterious aliens just so you could avoid having to grit your teeth through every piece of inane dialogue and retarded character motivation.

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Rating:

1 out of 5 Regretful Emile Hirsch’s

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