Review: Piranha 3D (2010)

Best Bad Quote:

“We’re making a porn here, not a drama.  Let’s make a decision.”



What if JAWS had a lot more gore, a lot more nudity, a lot more humor, a lot of bad CG, a lot less patience, and still had Richard Dreyfuss?  You’d have Piranha 3D.  One of the most buzzed about movies on the internet for months was finally here and “The Bad Movie Nite” crew was brimming with anticipation.  Leaving the comforts of our living rooms, we embarked on a field trip to the local cineplex, hoping Alexandre Aja would deliver on everything that his trailer seemed to promise.  We would not be denied this night.  Ninety minutes later, I left the theater feeling like little Ralphie from A Christmas Story, getting everything I wanted including my Red Rider BB Gun in the form of an underwater 3D ballet of two buxom nude women making out to opera.  This movie was an absolute riot.  It’s over-the-top, it’s ludicrous, and I can’t wait to buy it on DVD and treat it like the proud guilty pleasure it is.


From the opening frames you know you are in store for something special.  An expertly crafted tongue in cheek JAWS throwback involving Richard Dreyfuss, in complete Matt Hooper attire, is out fishing on the lovely and serene, Lake Victoria.  Dreyfuss may be old, but I’d be willing to follow him into the trenches again.  Hell, he did with a giant great white, he could handle some pesky piranhas.  Is he to be our chosen hero for this adventure?  No.  Most certainly not.  After an earthquake rocks the foundation of Lake Victoria opening up an underwater cavern where these prehistoric piranha have been preserved for millions of years, Dreyfuss barely has enough time to get out a rendition of “Show Me the Way Home” before his bones are picked clean, leaving a sea of red in his wake.  From that moment on, the audience was absolutely on board for this ride, clapping and cheering as the opening titles appeared.


We’re thrust into the pandemonium that is Spring Break at Lake Victoria, which happens to be the most popular and profitable time of the year for the obvious Lake Havasu knock off.  We have the local Sheriff Julie Forester (Elizabeth “remember when she got nominated for Oscars” Shue) and her Deputy (Ving “I love being in campy horror movies” Rhames) who try to keep law and order while being invaded by the only thing more threatening than thousands of killer fish, thousands of Natty Light drinking college kids.  Sheriff Forester has three kids, one of which is horny teenager Jake, who blows off babysitting his younger brother and sister to work as the location scout for the movie’s resident douchebag and Joe Francis-esque “filmmaker,” Derrick Jones, played expertly by Jerry O’Connell.  Jones’ crew is rounded out by his faithful/horny cameraman, Andrew (Paul Scheer), and his two sexy video vixen hosts, “it girl” Kelly Brook and porn starlet Riley Steele.  Naturally, the shit hits the fan when the piranhas go through the college students like a Hometown Buffet.  Sheriff Forester must try to rescue her kids off of the “Wild Wild Girls” yacht without turning into chum in the process.  There is also a relatively uninteresting love story between young Jake and the girl he’s admired from afar, Kelly (Jessica Szohr).


In an era where 3D movies seem to be dominating the box office, not since Avatar has the technology been used so expertly but in a completely different way.  The 3D in Piranha 3D is used to enhance the humor and sheer frivolity of the film, most appropriately applied during a sequence where a tug of war between two piranhas over a 3D severed penis occurs.


Director Alexandre Aja knows how to make horror movies, unlike that hack Eli Roth, who cameos as the “Wet T-Shirt Contest” host and suffers an untimely demise cathartic for any of his critics.  Aja gets it; He can make legitimately scary horror movies like the recent remake of The Hills Have Eyes or the extremely underrated High Tension. For the purposes of Piranha 3D however, Aja knows that there’s no way to take this movie seriously as a horror movie, so why not do the next best thing by giving people lots of T & A, grotesque deaths, asinine plot turns, and very little tangible story to get in the way of everything else.  That’s exactly what Aja delivered, and as long as you go into this movie knowing that, it’s hard to imagine not having the time of your life.


Going into Piranha 3D, Snakes on a Plane was the most fun I’d ever had at the movies, but now I can safely say Piranha 3D has dethroned Samuel L. and those “motherfucking snakes.”  Providing you have a crowd that is all on the same page, Piranha 3D will undoubtedly provide a fun, interactive, shenanigan filled movie going experience.  If that’s not enough to convince you to run out to see Piranha 3D, Doc Brown’s in the fucking movie!



5 out of 5 Partially Devoured Co-Eds

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