stonecold

Review: Stone Cold (1991)

by Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer

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Best Bad Quote:

“This is either gonna be the biggest pork chop I ever ate, or my bulldozer.”

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Every once in a while, you come across one of those movies you never saw when you were a kid and makes you wonder, “Would I be the same person I am today if I had seen this movie as a child?”  Stone Cold most certainly falls into that category.  I was nine years old when the movie came out, and not only do I not remember ever hearing about it, I had no idea who Brian Bosworth was.  After seeing Stone Cold for the first time, I now realize that I was guilty of pre-pubescent blasphemy on both counts.  This movie in one word is… EPIC.  From the sweet nineties mullets to the plethora of explosions, Stone Cold will make you want to join a biker gang, just without all the Neo-Nazi aspects that go along with it.

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Joe Huff is a cop who is angry at the system for handling criminals with kid gloves. Joe is on suspension, but the FBI gives him an opportunity to go undercover in Mississippi and infiltrate “The Brotherhood,” a white supremacist biker gang that runs drugs. In the Brotherhood, each member legally changes his name to his Brotherhood nickname. The Brotherhood is led by a violent psychopath named Chains Cooper. Joe — rechristened “John Stone” — accepts the job, even though he’s not happy about it. His FBI contact, Lance, doesn’t really look at home in biker bars. And the members of the Brotherhood, especially Chains, have their doubts about Joe, who wants a piece of their action. Joe has to kill a man as his initiation. With the FBI’s help, he carefully fakes a murder and is accepted by everyone except for Chains’ right hand man Ice, who still thinks Joe’s an undercover cop. Joe befriends Chains’ girlfriend Nancy, and when Joe learns that Nancy is not happy being with Chains, Joe offers to help her escape. Ice finds Joe meeting with Lance, and tries to warn Chains, but Ice is killed in a fiery motorcycle crash before he can get to Chains. Nancy is later killed by Chains, and the man Joe is supposed to have murdered turns up alive, blowing Joe’s cover. Chains and his gang later take the Mississippi Supreme Court hostage in an effort to stop one of their men, Trouble Owens, from being sentenced to be executed for killing a priest, and it’s up to Joe to end the situation.

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Let me just say that “The Brotherhood” in Stone Cold make the “Sons of Anarchy” look like the “Muppet Babies.”  These guys are beyond ruthless.  For fun, they shoot beer cans off each other’s shoulders with automatic machine guns which have a tendency to lead to  cars exploding.  If you fuck up, they have no qualms Cuisinarting your hands in the spokes of your own motorcycle.  And shit, they keep komodo dragons for pets.  Lance Henriksen and “The Brotherhood” mean business.  But that doesn’t mean that Bosworth and his lusciously flowing golden mullet aren’t up to the task of bringing them down from the inside out.

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For those of you who were like me, ignorant to where Brian Bosworth came from, let me drop some knowledge on you.  Bosworth, aka “The Boz,” was a linebacker in the NFL from 1987-1989 as a member of the Seattle Seahawks but had to retire after a career-ending shoulder injury.  He decided to take a crack at acting and thank god he did.  Stone Cold was his first film, and he went on to do a few straight to VHS action flicks.  His biggest credit was Adam Sandler’s remake of The Longest Yard.  But his GREATEST credit was without a doubt, Stone Cold.

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I wish I would’ve kept track because the death count in this movie had to have beat out Schindler’s List (I know, I’m kind of ashamed of myself for that one, too).  Stone Cold is filled with actor’s that will make you say, “Hey, what have I seen that guy in?”  I’ll help ya out.  Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Pumpkinhead), William Forsythe (Raising Arizona, The Rock), and Gregory Scott Cummins (Mac’s Dad on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

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My only complaint with Stone Cold is that they missed out on what could’ve been one of the great 90’s sex scenes of all time.  Okay, it probably wouldn’t have been, but we’ll never know.  No matter what it takes, seek out Stone Cold, because this movie is what all action movies should be and what none are in today’s industry.  Oh, and someone tell “Stone Cold Steve Austin” that we’re onto his secret…

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Rating:

5 out of 5 Leather vested beefcakes

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