soylent

Review: Soylent Green (1973)

Best Bad Quote:

“SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!”

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Fully aware of how notoriously bad this movie was supposed to be, I put off watching Soylent Green for far too long.  After seeing The Omega Man and Planet of the Apes, I should’ve realized Charleton Heston only makes terrible movies, with the one exception being The Ten CommandmentsSoylent Green however, is without a doubt a pretty dreadful movie.

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It is the year 2022, although it looks remarkably still like 1973, and the world is truly screwed.  No natural foods like fruits, vegetables, or meat exist and the millions of people starving in New York City are forced to live off a mysterious manufactured food called, Soylent.  Heston plays Thorn, a detective investigating the murder of the head of the Soylent Company and hard bent on finding out the truth behind Soylent Green.

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The most distracting part of this movie has to be that everyone in it is sweating all the time.  The greenhouse gases have caused the Earth’s temperature to rise, hence everyone dripping wet all the time.  But answer me this…if it’s so damn hot, why the hell is everyone wearing jackets and turtlenecks?  If it was constantly 100+ degrees all the time, I would walk everywhere butt-naked.  People would just have to deal with seeing my naked ass because it would be too damn hot for clothes.  The only time anyone shed’s some clothing in this movie is when Heston’s character gets down to “business,” sex-terrogating the female lead in the movie.

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It’s always funny to see how movies from the past imagined the future.  The set decorating and costumes don’t look at all futuristic, especially the helmets of the armed guards, wearing spray painted gray football helmets with a bill attached to the front.  Way to stretch your imagination guys.

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Maybe it’s because I already knew how this movie ends, but I don’t understand why Thorn was so surprised to find out that Soylent Green was made from dead bodies.  I mean, he watched dump trucks scooping people off of the street.  Some fucking detective you are.  Despite an interesting premise, Soylent Green fails to be engaging for the duration of its running time and made me wish I had some cyanide to eat instead of Soylent Green.

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Rating:

1 out of 5 Confused Charleton Heston Expressions


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