drac

Review: Guess What Happened to Count Dracula (1971)

by Ursa McKrackenelectronsexparty.blogspot.com

Best Bad Quote:

“I don’t know how to tell you this… SANTA CLAUS!”

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No. You know what? Don’t even bother guessing what happened to Count Dracula; there’s no point. This movie never provides the answer. This movie is about the son of Dracula, Count Adrian, who is awakened by a cult full of the a-little-too-human-but-still-fucking-weird-looking cast-offs from the movieFreaks chanting “Puma! Puma!” or maybe “Pumbaa! Pumbaa!” Count Adrian, once awakened, decides he’s tired of his main vampire bitch, ashes his cigarette in her hand and sends her away because her character has no point in this movie. He then opens his restaurant/night club, called Dracula’s Dungeon, for that nights business and sets his eyes on its one female patron, the dull, clueless Angelica. Angelica gets the heebie-jeebies, but her boyfriend, a dopey-faced, missing fifth member of The Monkees, tells her she’s a baby and leaves her to sleep alone, though she requested he stay.

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That night Count Adrian dons his toy capsule vending machine teeth that give him a Bubba lip and bites Angelica. However, she must be bitten three times in order to be turned into a vampire, so Count Adrian somehow gets in good enough with Angelica’s idiotic friends to become a tag-a-long to an impromptu party. What follows is one of the worst party scenes, with some of the whitest, most terrible dancing that was ever recorded on film. After receiving a second bite that night, Angelica becomes sensitive to sunlight and makes a snack out of a piece of bloody steak.

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Despite the fact that she’s reading a book on the “vampir,” Angelica isn’t sure why she’s feeling ill. So, Angelica makes a date to go to a cult meeting at Count Adrian’s nightclub castle home with him, where she witnesses a man eat a tiny rubber lizard and meets a gypsy who cackles at everything. She also meets Count Adrian’s lethargic pet tiger, Alucard. Angelica’s boyfriend shows up to save her from Count Adrian’s third bite, but he’s too late! She’s been turned in a vampire- a vampire that causes the boyfriend to emit a very girly, Daniel Stern-ian scream.

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The plot of this movie sounds ridiculous, and it is. It’s also boring. It has several laugh-out-loud unintentionally funny moments, but the sheer amount of nothing that also goes on really causes the movie to drag. There’s a terrible part where the movie actually attempts to be genuinely funny; an attempt that falls so flat that it might as well have dug its own grave. There are great, terrible lines of dialogue, though. Lines that make you scratch your head in confusion, and then make you laugh at their absurdity. One the best of these moments is at the end when the boyfriend attempts to menace the son of Dracula with his tenuous connections to Hollywood, the connections that Count Adrian himself set up in exchange for Angelica.

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But, the funniest parts of the movie have to be Count Adrian’s facial expressions. His attempts to be vampire-y end up looking like a strange combination of surprised and concerned. His attempts to merge his eyebrows with his hairline almost succeed, however. Aside from the ridiculous story, stupid dialogue and questionable acting, also be ready to have your ears raped by grating organ music. Count Adrian’s club plays annoyingly half-hearted circus music, as well. The editing is jumpy and sometimes cuts off lines, though that’s somewhat a given with low-budget, exploitation films.

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So, the question you must ask yourself now- now that you don’t know what happened to Dracula, but do know what happened to his son, a dull woman and her dopey boyfriend- is: Should I watch this movie? You’ll have to decide if slogging through seventy percent of nothing is worth it for the thirty percent of unintentional hilarity. I think it was. It’s probably worth it just for the boyfriend’s marvelous scream alone.

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Rating:

2 out of 5… This Guys?

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