Review: Teen Wolf Too
by James Ross - jameslikesthings.tumblr.com
Best Bad Quote:
“When’s this big match? Tomorrow. Plenty of time.”
I know this isn’t a traditional Horror film. It actually isn’t at all; it’s technically a comedy. But it has a werewolf in it so it counts for Halloween. And it is horrifying. Horrifyingly bad.
I understand the appeal of sequels, we get to see the characters we love doing the things we loved seeing them do, again. But most sequels (the good ones at least) will try to up the ante, to raise the stakes and make it more interesting than the first time. This is not one of those sequels. The lack of originality in Teen Wolf Too is astounding. It’s one of those rare sequels that are so devoid of originality that it basically is a shitty remake of the first film. The first Teen Wolf was a sleeper hit. Michael J. Fox wasn’t a star yet. Family Ties was just beginning and Back To The Future hadn’t been released yet. The first movie was about a dorky kid named Scott Howard who discovers he’s a werewolf; in fact his whole family are werewolves. He plays on the basketball team at his High School but he sucks. But when he “wolfs out” on the court he’s like a hairy Michael Jordan. He becomes popular and struggles with being popular as “The Wolf” and being himself. Well the next film takes the logical step of going from High School to College but because Michael J. Fox was a full-fledged star by this time, he had no interest in re-treading with Teen Wolf Too. So they got another fresh-faced young TV actor named Jason Bateman.
Bateman stars as Todd Howard, cousin to the original teen wolf, Scott. Todd is a freshman at Hamilton College, and has received a full-ride sports scholarship based on the fact that he might be a gifted werewolf athlete as well. But instead of basketball this time it’s boxing. That’s right, the extremely popular sport of college boxing. Huh? And we’ve got some familiar faces kind of. Mark Holton returns as the lovable Chubby and the character of Scott’s best friend Styles returns but this time played by bad movie veteran Stuart Fratkin (Ski School 1 & 2). This isn’t where the familiarity ends though. It’s only the beginning. In the first film Scott (Michael J. Fox) tries to buy a keg of beer for a party but being under 21 he gets hassled by the old clerk at the liquor store. He wolfs out a little bit, his eyes glow red, his voice gets scary and the frightened old man gives him the keg. Cut to: Teen Wolf Too; Todd needs to change his class schedule, we see the women in the office being a bitch to another student about changing their classes and when its Todd’s turn she doesn’t even get a chance to harass him he just does the red-eyed slightly wolfing out bit. I mean how many actual redoes can there be? Lets see. There are so many similarities that I just decided to make a list with the original and the remake, err, sequel:
-Wolfing out for a keg of beer/ Wolfing out for changing classes
-Wolfing out in basketball game/ Wolfing out in boxing match
-The lame love triangle between the mousy girl who likes him for who he is and the hot popular girl who thinks werewolves are sexy
-Scheming Principal/ Scheming Dean
-Dance number at the High School/ Dance number at a College party
-Chubby gets benched cause the Wolf is so good at Basketball/ Chubby gets benched because the Wolf is so good at boxing
-Rival school’s head jock hates the wolf/ Rival school’s head jock hates the wolf
-Scott decides to be himself instead of the wolf in the final game/Todd decides to be himself instead of the wolf in the final match
- Werewolf Dad threatens Principal/ Werewolf Professor threatens Dean
-A miraculous underdog victory/ a miraculous underdog victory.
I swear this script must have been written using the original as a fucking Mad Lib.
I would have said spoiler alert before writing that list but the whole first movie is a fucking spoiler alert.
Never mind the clever usage of “too” in the title, I mean it does flow better than Teen Wolf As Well. And never mind that in the universe of these movies nobody freaks out and runs for the silver bullets but instead everyone loves werewolves and thinks they’re the coolest. This poorly done rehash is just super disappointing. I remember how much of a let down I thought it was when I first saw it as a kid. And I thought Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie was a cinematic masterpiece when I was 8. So I must have really thought that this was dog shit. And I still do. The smartest thing the studio ever did was package this together with the first Teen Wolf on DVD because I don’t think many people would buy this film as a stand-alone. I love Jason Bateman but he is lucky that this didn’t kill his career before it even started. It was a good 15 years before Arrested Development resurrected it, it can’t be a coincidence.
Get prepared for more disappointment as MTV is developing a Teen Wolf TV show, inspired I’m sure by the popularity of Twilight.
1 out of 5 Werewolves Driving a Corvette