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Review: Bulletproof (1988)

by Haleigh Graub-movieheaven.blogspot.com/

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Best Bad Quote:

Hunting season’s over, Butthorns.”

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If you are looking for an action packed film starring your favorite actors, look elsewhere! Bulletproof is not the movie for you. If you are looking for a movie with a rambling plot starring a man whose mouth could have housed all the katrina survivors, then this is the movie for you. Bonus if you like the term “butthorn” which was used as an insult 99.9% of the movie. Let me just tell you that I started watching this movie with high hopes for I had already seen some of the crazy youtube videos dedicated to Gary’s awesome acting, and I was not disappointed in the least.

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I will treat you to a description of my two very favorite scenes. Gary is jonesing pretty bad for some blonde on the beach and he reminisces himself playing the saxophone (butthorn?) for her, seducing her with  how well he can handle his wind instrument. The sexual tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife and it ends with him banging her before a fire on a rug. However Gary comes out of his thoughts and lies on his bed alone about to cry which I am almost positive is how Gary ends most of his nights.

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The second best scene is when he is wandering somewhere in Mexico trying to save the woman from his daydreams and some bad guys decide to do away with him by tying him to a giant wheel. As Gary’s punishment he is tied onto a giant wheel and his escape is the second best scene in this movie. I am positive this has never been attempted in any other film, probably only because Gary is the only actor who can pull it off and as we all know he is choosy when it comes to film roles. (Gingerdead man anyone?). Gary shares a passionate kiss with his army girl and she gives him a grenade, hopefully it will be used to kill everyone in this movie so I can stop watching. Alas she uses it to move the giant wheel,  which leaves me wondering why he didn’t just use his body weight to roll it in the first place, which makes me wonder even more why the bad guys would put a circular object on top of a hill and not expect gravity to do its work. Maybe they don’t believe in Newton. So Gary rolls away to safety and I am not kidding when I say you need to rent this movie to watch how that scene plays out alone.

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If you would like a more in-depth review, which I know all you closet Gary lovers would like nothing more than for me to provide intricate detail of every move this movie God makes, then visit http://www.b-movieheaven.blogspot.com/

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Rating:

3 out of 5 Butthorns

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One Response to “Review: Bulletproof (1988)”

  1. So this is the movie that gave us that wonderful insult. Butthorn. I love it.

    Seriously, though, I really do have to see this movie. You should see “Hot Boyz,” (review on my blog if you are interested) Gary has some great scenes in that too.

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