Death Bed poster

Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

By Trey Lawson celluloidsheep.wordpress.com

Best Bad Quote:

“Too bad the bed doesn’t fear you.  It’ll let you go…it knows you’re coming back.”

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October has arrived, and the Halloween season is upon us. So for the rest of the month I’m going to be focusing on some of my personal “favorite” bad horror movies. To kick things off, I’m taking a look at one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen – Death Bed: the Bed that Eats. Filmed in the late 70s, the writer/director never found a distributor, and eventually forgot that he had shot it. Years later he discovered that a pirate copy had been released internationally, which prompted him to release an official version on DVD. The world might have been better off if Death Bed had stayed forgotten.

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Appropriately for a film about man-eating furniture, the story is divided into segments: “Breakfast,” “Lunch,” etc, not that the story makes much sense no matter how you divide it up. The back story, not offered until at least halfway through the film, involves demons and seductions (you don’t really want me to go into the details, and besides – it doesn’t really matter), and the result is a bed with a hunger for human flesh. Meanwhile, virtually all of the exposition is handled by a ghost who lives behind a painting in the bedroom. He comments on events as they happen, fills in background/context, and makes bizarre sarcastic comments to the bed itself.

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How does a bed eat someone, you ask? With a very, very low budget, obviously. While the title conjures images of something like Little Shop of Horrors with a mattress, the result is much less entertaining. People (as well as other objects left on the bed) sink into the mattress, where they are dissolved by a yellow acid-like substance. This would be somewhat effective, if not for the bizarre choices in sound effects. Early in the film, a couple brings a picnic to the house, and so before eating them, the bed consumes their fried chicken, apples, and wine. As it dissolves the chicken and apples, chomping and munching effects can be clearly heard. Likewise, it uncorks the bottle of wine and “drinks” the contents. The apple cores, bucket of chicken bones, and bottle are all then returned to the top of the mattress.

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I would discuss characters, but other than the ghost narrator and the bed, none of them really have much personality. Having seen this film several times, I still can’t list any of the characters by name.  In any case, they mostly just wander through the film waiting to be eaten.  Also, I’m almost positive that the film was shot silent, as what little dialogue is present was really obviously dubbed in later, which makes the performances even more stilted. But that really isn’t what you’re watching this movie for – you’re watching to see a bed eat a bunch of idiots. Well, you certainly get a lot of that. There is even a montage of deaths that span the bed’s existence, which has almost nothing to do with the rest of the film. Don’t even ask me to try and make sense of the film’s ending though – I’ve given up looking for coherence in Death Bed.

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Here’s the bottom line: there are great movies with stupid premises, and there are terrible movies with wonderful premises – but when your starting concept is a MAN-EATING BED, the film is pretty much guaranteed to be terrible. The menace and scariness of the monster is entirely dependent on STUPID PEOPLE LYING DOWN ON THE BED. Seriously. Why do all of these people keep lying down on a strange bed in the middle of nowhere? They don’t even wash the sheets first – and they have no idea what has been happening on that bed! In conclusion, I leave you with a suggestion to all aspiring horror filmmakers: When choosing a monster, make sure it can move of its own free will, and at least has the potential to be visually scary. In fact, just stay away from furniture – it’s virtually impossible to scare audiences with down pillows and blankets.

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Rating:

1 out of 5 Abnormally Calm Guys Who Have Just Lost the Flesh Off Their Hands

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3 Responses to “Review: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats”

  1. […] getting the party started in a big way today with Trey Lawson’s review of Death Bed: The Bed that Eats.  We got some gems coming in the next couple of weeks so make sure to check back frequently! […]

  2. I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a very long time. Every bad thing I hear about it just intensifies my need to see this movie. It’s a bed… a bed that eats people!

    “How does a bed eat someone, you ask? With a very, very low budget, obviously.” I love these lines.

  3. […] are also fantastically sarcastic bastards.  (You can find some of Trey’s thoughts on Death Bed here.)  They’re the perfect BMN guests because they’re funny, sarcastic, and they have […]

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