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Review: Monsturd (2003)

By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer

Best Bad Quote:

“You have to listen to me because I’m a cop and I have a megaphone.”

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When I informed everyone that we would be screening Monsturd for “Bad Movie Nite,” one BMNer’s kneejerk reaction was, “Wait.  You mean like poo?  Like a poo monster?”  Yes.  That is exactly what I mean.  We’ve probably seen close to a hundred bad movies during the illustrious history of “Bad Movie Nite,” but Monsturd just might be the “Baddest Movie” we’ve ever watched.

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Escaped serial killer Jack Schmidt is on the run from the police and FBI after escaping from jail. They corner him and gun him down in a sewer tunnel, where he falls into a pool of chemicals dumped by the company who created it, Dutech. The combination of feces and this chemical transforms him into a half human, half feces creature, who goes on a killing rampage. And it’s up to a group of local law enforcers to stop him.

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Monsturd is one of those rare bad movies where at times you believe that the filmmakers are totally aware that they’re making a completely ridiculous movie and having fun with it.  Then there are other times where you just think, “Hmm…maybe this is just really bad.”  Make no mistake, Monsturd is SUPER low budget.  I’m talking, shot in the course of a weekend, drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon, while feeding the crew Slim Jims and Tina’s Burritos.  I’m not kidding when I say I’ve seen porn movies with higher production value.  You can tell the producers shot their wad, financially, on the “Monsturd” itself, which looks like a bunch of Snickers bars melted together.

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Aestetically, Monsturd is a collection of terrible performances, wipe transitions reminiscent of Windows Movie Maker, ample amounts of B-Roll, and one take scenes.  The acting is terrible across the board.  The bartender has to be one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen.  You know how directors coach actors to “act natural?”  This bartender is the antithesis of acting natural.  You can actually watch him internally debate whether he should clean the counter, or say his line first.  Then you have the pedestrian wipe transitions.  Have you guys seen a movie before?  No movies use wipes.  You want to know why?  Because they look retarded.  In terms of the B-Roll, it seems like it was cheaper to go to a stock footage house and pay for B-Roll than it was to actually shoot some scenes. “Yeah, we got that B-Roll.”  Finally, virtually every scene of this movie seems like the director did one take and said, “Alright, fuck it.  Looks good to me.”

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I used to think that dying in a fire would be the worst way to die, but after seeing Monsturd, I would rather be roasted like a smore over a campfire than be killed by a shit monster.  Seriously, what a shitty way to die.

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Rating:

2 out of 5 Angry Shit Monsters

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One Response to “Review: Monsturd (2003)”

  1. “You can actually watch him internally debate whether he should clean the counter, or say his line first.” Yes! That sounds hilarious.

    And, transition wipes? Seriously. “Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood” (as in Leprechaun is in the hood for the second time) used star wipes. Like Powerpoint presentation transitions in the shape of a star. That’s the last time I remember seeing something like that.

    But, now I’ve got to watch this movie. I only made it about 5 minutes last time.

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