herculesny

Review: Hercules in New York (1969)

By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer

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Best Bad Quote:

“Ha, ha, ha. You have strucked Hercules.”

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Upon sitting down to watch Hercules in New York, I felt a sense of shame having never seen Arnold Schwarzenegger’s (Arnold Strong according the credits) first movie.  This movie is an absolute bad movie treasure.  As painful as it was to watch, I reveled in every single minute of it.  This movie will give you a new found appreciation for Arnold’s acting abilities.  His performance in Hercules in New York makes his Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin look like Pacino in The Godfather by comparison.

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What do you when you get bored living the life of a Greek god on Mt. Olympus?  Move to New York of course.  When Hercules conveys his woes to his father Zeus about wanting to see the world, his father denies his son’s wish but by some wacky lightning bolt accident, Hercules is transported to NYC where he proceeds to get into all sorts of shenanigans as he tries to adapt to mere mortal existence.  He meets his Jewish turtle looking sidekick, Pretzie, who sells pretzels from a wicker basket naturally.  Pretzie tries to get Hercules acclimated to the “Big City,” but in the process can’t keep Hercules from getting into trouble.  Hercules falls for a girl, gets involved with the mob, and deals with the Gods that his father sends to bring him home.  Hercules in New York is your typical fish out of water story with some utterly ridiculous action scenes, and a monotonously repetitive Greek music score that sounds like the leftovers from the Zorba the Greek soundtrack.

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I’m not going to lie; I kind of love this movie.  I love its blatant capitalization on Arnie’s beefcakiness, I love that Arnold fights a “grizzly bear” in Central Park, which is actually just a guy in a Halloween costume.  I love that there is an action scene on the docks involving Arnie holding some angry longshoremen at bay with a single plank of wood and you guessed, the sailors wind up in the drink.  I love the super over-the-top New York Jewish woman who spots Hercules flying outside of her plane in mid-air and gives the most priceless reaction ever.  I love that Pretzie never helps Hercules out in any of his fights but instead just provides the same expression over and over where you can tell the Director just kept telling him, “Okay! Now look surprised!”  There is nothing I love more about this movie however than Arnold’s emotionless reading of his lines that he so clearly doesn’t understand.

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It’s hard to believe that this guy is the current governor of my state of California, but I think I might have voted for him had I seen Hercules in New York before the election.  Although this movie is pretty terrible, I promise that it’s well worth your time.  If you’re not laughing while watching this movie, you might as well just off yourself because you’re clearly incapable of experiencing joy.  If you have the opportunity to see the dubbed or undubbed version, though the dubbed version is also pretty hilarious, nothing beats Arnold’s thick Austrian accent butchering the English language in every way possible.  After all, who need to speak good English when you can make your pecks dance?

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Rating:

5 out of 5 Godfather Reject Mafioso’s


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