MPW-31930

Review: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

By James Ross – jameslikesthings.tumblr.com

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Best Bad Quote:

“Don’t shake hands with Messy Tessy”

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Ah the 1980’s.  What a magical time. So many great toys and pop culture phenomena, many of which would become live-action movie adaptations (G.I. Joe, Transformers, etc.)  But those are other bad movies. This was the first in what would be a long line of childhood raping, terrible adaptations of our favorite things. I give you The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987).

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Now you might be saying; wait, they made a Garbage Pail Kids Movie? Yes, they did. Those wonderfully disgusting trading cards of what looked like mutant Cabbage Patch Kids, that we all traded and collected instead of paying attention in grade school. They were HUGE, so huge that some genius decided they should make a movie. A LIVE-ACTION movie, with little people in bizarre big headed costumes portraying some of the more popular GPK; Valerie Vomit, Windy Winston, Messy Tessy, and Ali-Gator to name a few. But how do you pull this off? Make a live-action movie out of trading cards. Well you don’t, not a good one at least. They leave the origin of the GPK a little fuzzy. The opening credits see a garbage pail space ship headed toward earth; but I’m pretty sure that was just a dumb way to fill the opening credits. We then find ourselves in Captain Manzini’s (Anthony Newley) Antique Store where he happens to have a Garbage Pail that he keeps hidden from the world high on a shelf and away from his young assistant Dodger (Mackenzie Astin). Dodger is apparently an orphan or something as you never see or hear of his parents. He is in love with this older skank named Tangerine (sure). She is an aspiring fashion designer selling her wares out of the back of her convertible at hip dance clubs. She has a brooding thug boyfriend named Juice (c’mon). He loves to torment and beat up kids for some reason. Seriously the guy looks 35. So the GPK are accidentally released from the garbage pail and get into all sorts of mischief. Blah blah blah.

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The real insanity occurs when after the GPK make this ridiculous Michael Jackson/Sgt. Pepper jacket for Dodger, Tangerine loves it and he tells her that he made it. Then he agrees to make a shit load more crappy outfits for her to sell. So he basically turns the GPK into sweatshop workers. They steal some sewing machines from a Non-Union Sweat Shop just to form their own basically. They sew like maniacs while singing awful songs like “We Can Do Anything (By Working With Each Other)” and continuing to look like a bunch of dead-eyed mongoloids. The GPK get into more mischief like stealing ATVs and getting into a fight at a biker bar called “The Toughest Bar In The World”. Lazy writing be damned as Captain Manzini attempts to find a spell to get the GPK back into the pail where they will be safe from a cruel world that doesn’t understand their…uniqueness. He wants to save them from being sent to the State Home For The Ugly (I shit you not). An asylum where they round up unattractive weirdo’s and cage them up like animals (why not?). The GPK end up getting locked-up there for being “Too Gross”. Fun fact: other prisoners at the State Home include Santa Claus; Too Fat, Abraham Lincoln; Too Skinny, and a Clown; Too Silly. The bikers help to bust out the GPK just in time to get revenge on Tangerine and Juice at her big fashion show.

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I was all of 7 years old when this movie came out and I even knew then that it wasn’t good. But I loved Garbage Pail Kids; so I let it slide. 23 years later I still enjoy its terribleness and appreciate the memories it brings back. I’d gladly check out a midnight screening anytime.

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Rating:

4 out 5 Windy Winston Farts

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One Response to “Review: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)”

  1. This movie didn’t rape my childhood because I wasn’t even a fetus when GPK were popular (though I might have been a fetus when the movie came out). However, I feel it is my duty as bad movie lover to at least watch it once. This seems to truly be one of those movies that may be so bad it good, like Troll 2. I think the GPK themselves are more nightmarish than the goblins though. Just look at Windy Winston’s rubbery face… horrifying.

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