poster_machete

Review: Machete

By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer of Bad Movie Nite

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Best Bad Quote:

“Machete don’t text.”

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If you are a fan of Danny Trejo, Robert Rodriguez, or just the Grindhouse experience in general, I challenge you to not have a ton of fun while watching Machete. It has everything you could ever want from a grindhouse movie: blood, boobs, snappy one-liners, and a bad ass Mexican. I will say the immigration theme did seem a little heavy handed at times, but Trejo’s performance coupled with the rest of the cast more than make up for any tired message that Rodriguez was trying to beat into our skulls.

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Three years ago, Machete, a former Mexican Federale, was left for dead after his wife and child were slaughtered by the evil drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal). We pick up in the present where Machete has managed to survive and is now working as day laborer at a Texas-Mexico border town. Struggling to make ends meet, a mysterious man (Jeff Fahey) pays Machete $150K to assassinate a local good ole boy/staunch Immigration puritan Senator who is running for re-election (De Niro). But it’s all a setup as Fahey’s character is actually working for the Senator, and the assassination attempt is a ploy to draw up sympathy for the Senator’s campaign. Not to mention an easy to way to pin the whole thing on a lowly Mexican. But boy oh boy did they pick the wrong Mexican to mess with. When it’s revealed that Fahey’s character is actually working for Torrez as well as the Senator, we learn they’re trying to build an electrified fence along the border in order to have complete control over the drug trade. The biggest obstacle to their plan is now Machete, who is out for blood.

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From here, Machete becomes a good ole fashioned revenge movie as Machete enlists the help of every Mexican-American that is part of “The Network,” a freedom-fighting immigration ring headed up by the elusive She/Luz (Michelle Rodriguez). Machete also gets some help from an immigration officer (Jessica Alba) who is wrestling with her duties between her job and her Mexican heritage, as well as his Federale turned Padre brother (Cheech Marin) who provides some of the greatest moments of the movie.

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There are so many cameos in this movie, this review would have to be 12 pages to do it justice, but some of the definite highlights are the aforementioned Cheech Marin as Machete’s man of the robe brother, as well as Don Johnson playing a sadistic Minuteman who takes pleasure in hunting down the Mexicans trying to jump the border. And although her performance is nothing special, in that she’s basically playing herself, a druggy whore, Lindsay Lohan provides one of the more hilarious scenes of the movie playing Fahey’s daughter who is an aspiring internet porn star and enlists her own mother to film a nude scene in the pool for all her “fans” on the internet. When Machete shows up, and they think he’s the hot new gardener, the porn music kicks in, and Machete gets in on the action, having a 3-way with Fahey’s daughter and wife all on camera, the ultimate revenge as evidenced by Fahey’s reaction. It doesn’t hurt either that Lohan is nude in the movie more than she is clothed.

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Machete is gratuitous, over-the-top, and filled with stereotypes, but that’s what makes it a perfect grindhouse movie. The weakest part of Machete has to be Jessica Alba who kind of blows as an actress but is allowed to slide by because she’s so damn caliente. Trejo finally gets his due as a leading man, and although he’s a man of few words, he plays the part to perfection and knows how to wield a gigantic knife. This movie is a blast and don’t you dare miss out on seeing Machete on the big screen…or I will cut you.

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Rating:

5 out of 5 Hot Mexican Nurses Shooting Machine Guns

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