Review: Legion (2010)
By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer
Best Bad Quote:
“I don’t give a f**k how long she been dead, the bitch just walked on the ceiling. She ain’t staying in here.”
During the course of the opening half hour of Legion, I was completely on board, enthralled, and eager to see what would happen next. The set up was great, Paul Bettany seemed to be pulling off the “brooding angel” pretty well, and you have a creepy old lady tearing out people’s throats. Unfortunately, the movie takes a drastic plunge into the abyss of boring exposition, terrible acting, and little to no action for the next ¾ of the film. And just when you think you’re going to get some incredible final showdown between the two angels at odds, Michael and Gabriel, they share a moment where I swear I thought the movie was going to end with a hardcore makeout sesh between them.
The Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) arrives on Earth to protect humanity from a horde of his fellow angels who are carrying out God’s will and bringing the apocalypse upon the human race. Apparently God is fed up with human kind and just wants to wipe them out and start with a clean slate. The unlikely final battleground is a little podunk diner in a one stoplight town called Paradise Falls (on the nose?), where the unborn child inside a diner waitress’ belly is mankin’s last hope. Michael defies God and the other angels, seeing the inherent good in humanity, and will do whatever it takes to make sure that child is born and humanity is spared from complete annihilation.
I love movies that have anything to do with the end of the world. I’m not exactly sure why, perhaps I have a dark sensibility by nature, by I just think there’s something inherently fascinating about people facing something no one ever truly imagined would happen in their lifetime. So I was completely on board with this premise, and like I said before, the first act of Legion has an impressive foreboding tone to it culminating with creepy old bitch Gladys walking on the ceiling and telling the waitress that her unborn child is going to burn in Hell. Great stuff. I was even able to handle Dennis Quaid chewing every last bite of the scenery with his terrible performance. Someone definitely was going through the motions to collect a paycheck. The pitfall of this movie happens when a mongoloid, gorilla walking, angel possessed ice cream man shows up at the diner in the dead night to give you that “Oh shit! This shit’s about to get real!” feeling, but then proceeds to get blasted by Michael in an extremely anti-climactic moment.
From here, we get so much boring exposition and background on the characters that you could actually just fast forward ahead about 45 minutes. Combine that with our loser protagonist, Jeep (not kidding), that we’re supposed to care about but instead are too busy cringing at the actor, Lucas Black, sound like a retarded 4 year old redneck reading the lines. The ending turns into a gay soap opera between Michael and Gabriel that will piss you right off guaranteed. If you choose to watch this movie, might I suggest turning it off after the first half hour? Trust me, that’s how you’ll want to remember Legion.
2 out of 5 Pissed Off Old Ladies Who Missed the Early Bird Dinner