halloween3

Review: HALLOWEEN 3 (1982)

by Meredith Grau
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Best Bad Quote:
“We don’t decide these things, you know. The planets do!”

Time for a holiday quiz! What do Halloween, Halloween II and Halloween III have in common? Nothing. What do Halloween III, Stonehenge and mass media manipulation have in common? EVERYTHING! Welcome, my friends, to the Season of the Witch, which has consequently become my least favorite season. (Sorry, Donovan). I was warned against this “film” many years ago, but did I listen? No. No, I did not. Having seen the first two entries in the Michael Myers saga, I was ready to dig into the third installment: “But Mooooom, why can’t we rent iiiiiit?” I pleaded. “Because it’s dumb,” she said. You were right, Pam. You win again.
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As Myers poetically burned to death in Part II, of the most perfectly sculpted horror duet of the period btw, one assumes that creator John Carpenter wanted to wash his hands of the franchise before its reputation could be sullied by ad nauseum sequels. Challenge rebuffed! Hollywood will not stand for integrity! The studio decided to profit off the title while completely altering the plot instead. What connects III to its predecessors? Well, Myers wore a mask in I and II, and this movie is about masks, and the film Halloween actually plays in the background of a few scenes so… Whatever. This movie sucks and is a travesty to the horror genre. It is not scary and it clearly has a racist agenda against Scots. And robots.
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The film opens with an old fart being chased by emotionless but super duper strong goons. The high octane action sequences in this introduction and in all following scenes are about as riveting as an episode of “The Love Boat” watched in slow-mo. Backwards. Anyway, old fart is killed by a fitting super duper nose break, and his doctor Daniel Challis (Tom Atkins) does not take this lightly. As such, Doc decides to shag old fart’s daughter Ellie (Stacey Nelkin) and help her solve the mystery of her father’s murder. Their only clue is the pumpkin mask found on old fart’s person when he was initially brought to the hospital. Houston, we have a lead.
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What this chemistry-less couple uncovers in their investigation is the diabolical plot of master toy and mask maker Conall Cochran (Dan O’herlihy) who is just about the jauntiest villain one can imagine! He’s a real doll (wh-ink), hangs out with homemade robots and calls them “friends,” (just like Wacko Jacko and his attic mannequin family. #NoLie). Anyway, because Cochran prefers tricks over treats– seriously, that is his motive for this mayhem– he decides to destroy the entire human race. Haha? His incredibly popular Halloween masks, which will be worn by unsuspecting kids all over the world, will be “activated” during the feast of Sam Hain (or whatever) when the little candy seekers watch a coded commercial on TV and… Oh, who cares. It’s meaningless anyway. Just know that snakes, snails and puppy dogs’ tails are involved, as well as 1980s low-tech devices that may just rekindle your nostalgia for Lite-Brite.
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Aside from Atkins, who has performed respectably in a number of cult classics (Escape from New York, Creepshow, Night of the Creeps, The Fog, ya’ dig?), the acting in this movie is pretty atrocious. Our leading man really tries to give this dumper credibility, but when you’re co-starring with Jesse Spano’s retarded cousin, there’s only so much you can do.The plot makes no sense and frankly writer/director Tommy Lee Wallace should be ashamed of himself. How dare the man who gave us Pennywise give us this drivel! In a perfect world, Tim Curry would go mono e mono with him in a revived Celebrity Death Match and kick his ass all the way to Loch Ness! You see, I just wrote a better off-the cuff-scenario in three seconds! Stupid, stupid Wallace…
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Any-Boo, I would say watch this movie if you need a good laugh, but I have a conscience. It’s really not worth it. It will make you want to die. Word is, this was actually Kevorkian’s weapon of choice when he performed his death magic. Wait a second… That sly, sly Mr. Cochran. His maniacal agenda is still destroying the world. We are all fortune’s fools.
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Rating:
1 out of 5 Crap-o-Lanterns
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