affiche-la-promise-the-bride-1985-2

Review: THE BRIDE (1985)

by Meredith Grau
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Best Bad Quote:
“You never told me about cats. I thought it was a tiny lion.”
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You know how we hate “re-imaginings,” because they totally miss the point? Yeahhhhh, this is one of those. Poor ol’ Monster… Brought to life through no choice of his own, then caged and treated like a wild animal just for being who he is. Mary Shelley… You bitch. You said it all, you macabre Queen of reason. Sorry that Sting ruined everything, but that’s just what Sting does.
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This movie tries to be the Jane Austen interpretation of Frankenstein with a little My Giant thrown in. No, I’m not kidding. I wish I were. I also wish I had watched Billy Crystal in anything besides this. Damn it… The plot, I suppose, was developed to humanize Frankenstein’s monster while demonizing Frankenstein himself. I feel like we already accomplished that theatrically in 1931, but m’kay. Of course, the female character is utilized as an empty sexual prop on the side, but that’s what we’re there for. The “clever” twist on this movie is the love triangle between dead man, mad doctor, and dead girl. A menage a rot? Actually, this is much more than a “toi” affair, because The Bride is a bit of a slut. I know. I thought screwing corpses was perverted too, but I guess all bets are off if they can Flashdance.
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The haps: Frankenstein (Sting) makes a “bride” for his lonesome pet Monster (Clancy Brown), who pretty much orgasms as Eva (Jennifer Beals) is fried into existence atop what is assumed to be a metaphorical web of mortality. Whatever. Looks like toilet paper. Ol’ Frankie takes one look at his new protege, who is oddly scar-free and pretty damn near perfect looking, and thinks to himself: “Mmmm. Daddy like.. Hot!” This is not just because the reborn Eva is literally still sizzling, but because of egos, and God complexes, and Electra complexes, and blah di blah: no one cares. Ergo, Frank kicks the monster out of his magic castle, because he wants to raise Eva like a man (aka to be smart and interesting), so he can sleep with her, thereby crushing her spirit, demoralizing her, and making himself even more powerful in the process.
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Side note: When Frank climaxes, I wonder if his vein’ed face cries, “It’s alive!” Hm… No, but I bet his favorite song is “Stayin’ Alive” and he sings that as he thrusts and peaks: Ah-hah-hah-hah… STAYIN’ ALIVE!” #naptime
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Anywhoodley-doo, the Monster and the Bride are psychically linked, which isn’t saying much, because they’re both retarded and don’t have actual thoughts. All Eva wants to do is hump local heartthrob Josef (Cary Elwes), while the monster takes up with a dwarf and joins the circus in a lighthearted side buddy film called “WTFrankenstein.” Yup. Two totally different movies are happening; both are useless. Eva learns how to use a fork, the dwarf dies because of jealous carnies, and Frankenstein saves Eva from rape, so he can rape her himself. That is, until the Monster steps in, and saves her again, so he can rape her for himself. Forever, I guess. There’s an image: two sweaty piles of patched up meat lying on each other and grunting uncomfortably for all time. And what is the life span of a re-gifted “soul” anyway? Fortunately, this question was not to be answered in The Seed of Frankenstein or some such goo. Thank God for small miracles.
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If you’re like me and you enjoy the occasional Police song but don’t quite understand why everyone kisses Sting’s ass all the time, this movie is probably for you, because you will get to make fun of him and this senseless career faux pas. Otherwise, view drunk or steer clear. It’s not that the acting is bad (though it is); it’s that the ignorant story makes everyone and everything look awful. Even pizza.
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The Bride: best left aborted. I blame lightning.
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Rating:
2 out of 5 Sacrificial Dwarves
bride bride
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