Review: POLICE ACADEMY 7: MISSION TO MOSCOW (1994)
July 7th, 2014
by Meredith Grau
Best Bad Quote:
“I’m in the bathroom.” <– Because this will feel like the appropriate place to be while watching this movie, exorcising one last, vehement demon out your backside.
You thought Independence Day was over, didn’t you? It’s not, my friends! I have one final, star-spangled gift: liberty! I say this, because I am ‘liberating’ you from the Police Academy franchise with its latest, constipated-est installment. Sweet Jesus with Jam, I wish there were a rating worse than zero that I could give this… this… cinematic stool sample! As it is, I will abide by the BMN guidelines and merely wish that I had given the previous installments higher ratings, so as to better accentuate the horridness of its last, red-headed bastard of a child. Goddamned commies ruin everything…
This series knew it was sinking fast, or so I surmised. The majority of the original cast clearly took one look at the script for Part 7 and immediately turned to sand, because none of them showed up for Moscow. The only alumni who made it to The End were Cpt. Harris (G.W. Bailey), Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes), Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow), Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf), and Cpt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook). No Hightower. No Hooks. No Proctor. No Bobcat. NO GUTE! No way, Jose!!!
Instead, the pint-sized, newest recruit, Charlie Schlatter as Cadet Connors, inherited the burden of hoisting the nonsensical plot onto his frail, woman’s shoulders. He was aided by a paltry, last ditch effort of top-draw celebrity cameos by the likes of Christopher Lee, Ron Perlman, and Claire Forlani– before she was making huge, groundbreaking hits like Meet Joe Black. (PS- I hope when death actually comes for every member of that cast, he bitch-slaps them soundly before sending them to the Hell of Xmas 4-evs. Except Anthony Hopkins. He is beyond flaw).
So, the Moscow “mission” involves proving the world-destructive menace of Russian terrorist Constantine Konali (Perlman) by solving the mystery of his latest caper, which implements the technological prowess of a very Atari-esque video game. “Saving the day” requires a great deal of incompatible acrobatics, useless supporting characters, big wigs, huge boobs (Easterbrook), cross dressing (Bailey), and the most uncomfortable screen kiss ever witnessed (Forlani and Schlatter). The jokes are so tired, they’re gesticulating masturbatorily in their wet dream sleep. Just sad flailing. Soft, sad, sloppy flailing… Wide eyes, overdone accents, misshapen and inadmissible physical comedy, and weak toilet humor ensue. Lassard gets lost in Moscow immediately, Harris tries to foil his comrades in order to selfishly save the day himself, but the crew wins out because of team work and Konali’s erection for Callahan. Same ol’ story. Game over. RIP COPs.
The sad thing is that whatever remaining members of the original cast were not allowed to triumph in their final appearance as team Police Academy. Easterbrook is given a chance to shine a bit as an undercover seductress, but the opportunity is so hammy and insulting, I don’t know if ‘shine’ is the right word. Nucleur-ly radiate? Oh well. At least she was a good sport about it. Winslow also wasn’t allowed to indulge his mouth musicality properly, and even the normally charismatic Graf seemed as bored as Poplar. (Get it? ’cause Poplar is a wood, which often appears in ‘board’ form? Bored/board? It’s a pun. Look, I’m trying. This movie gave me nothing to work with).
Whatever. In my final analysis, this is how I would rate Police Academy given another opportunity:
Police Academy: 4 Guttennavels
Police Academy 2: 4 Uncomfortable #2’s
Police Academy 3: 5 Copper Knockers
Police Academy 4: 4 Blank, Blonde Stares
Police Academy 5: 3 Scalding Sensations
Police Academy 6: 2 People Will Die Watching This Movie
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow???
1 out of 5 Bottom Shelf Vodka Shots to the Crotch. Hard.