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Review: POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH (1988)

by Meredith Grau
Best Bad Quote:
“I just love it when a strange man puts his hands all over my body.”
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And the beat goes on… Please do interpret the word “beat” in the most literal sense.

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I’ll give you the bad news first: the Gute finally got a clue and flew the coop. As such, no heat was brought to Miami. Instead, the dry, milk toast husband from The Hand that Rocks the Cradle (Matt McCoy) steps in as the flirty, karyzmatik (<– the opposite of charismatic) copper jonesin’ for a blond. The blond is the svelte and tuff (<– the opposite of tough, with but still hot) Janet Jones. You may remember her from such films as your mother’s workout video The Firm. I know I do.
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So, THAT’S what we’re working with in numero cinco… The result is not “rico suave.” (Don’t act surprised). The rest of the crew is back, minus Bobcat– another tragedy– and this time they all fly south (along with the plot) to the Thong State in order to celebrate the infamously oblivious Commandant Lassard’s (George Gaynes) award for… wait for it…  “Police Officer of the DECADE!” What? It’s a MacGuffin. Don’t worry about it. Anyway, Lassard the Lovable Dodo accidentally switches bags with a jewel thief at the airport and is consequently kidnapped. A rescue mission ensues. Clumsily. Oh, and Captain Harris (GW Bailey) is there too. He gets a silly sunburn. It is so silly…
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The highlights: Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook) tries to limbo with her big boobs, Tackleberry (David Graf) stops a shark dead in his tracks (?) with his pistol, and Proctor (Lance Kinsey) rises off a port-o-potty for the National Anthem for all to see. That’s right. Bare sh’tass. It’s like succotash but even more disgusting. And worthless. A running theme in the Police Academy series.
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If it hasn’t become clear by now, I will go ahead and say it: the PA franchise is not for the intellectually inclined. I mean, even a blond bimbo like myself has trouble paying attention. That being said, these flicks are light, mindless, and not un-fun. They’re the kind of movies you used to watch as a kid when the grown ups were “visiting.” They’d put you in another room in front of Mr. Cable– for hours– so you would stay out of their hair. At least you had a place to stare when the world wouldn’t have you… Anyway, you didn’t completely hate what you were looking at, but you often wondered in the intense isolation just why it was happening and what exactly you did wrong to deserve both it and the loss of your mother’s love.
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#JustMe?
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Rating: 
1 out of 5 Scalding Sensations
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