whos-that-girl-movie-poster-1987-1020469593

Review: WHO’S THAT GIRL? (1987)

by Meredith Grau
.
Best Bad Quote:
“We did one of your things already. We murdered the pimp and the fat man.”
.

WHO’S THAT GIRL? Upon its initial release in Portugal, this film was more appropriately titled MAS QUE PORRA, or “What the F*ck?!”
.
Haha… True, I am false, but that doesn’t mean my sentiments are dishonest. This movie is dumb. It’s a movie about scary, assertive eyebrows and nothing else. Groucho Marx size eyebrows, but without the personality. Oh Madge… I don’t care how big a Madonna fan you are. While the Princess of Pop maintained an impressive and incomparable career throughout the eighties and nineties, her acting career has consistently failed to meet her otherwise high standards, probably because the intrinsic difference between acting in a music video vs. acting in a film– haha, “film”– is the same as the contrast between gesticulation and presentation. It’s no secret that Madanna commands attention. You can’t take your eyes off this woman, not even when you want to. Not even in this movie when you really, really want to. However, her culturally and visually provocative nature of artistry is not as palatable over the course of 90 minutes, especially when the plot is a lazy and desperate reapplication of a classic.
.
Look, I don’t know if this movie ripped off Bringing Up Baby on purpose or what, but it wouldn’t be the last time Madonna dry humped the integrity out of a good film. (Swept Away, RIP). Instead of a ditzy girl chasing after a leopard with a bespectacled but handsome, soon-to-be-married square, as in Bringing Up Baby, this time a ditzy ex-con chases after a rare breed of mountain lion (or something) with a bespectacled but handsome, soon-to-be-married square. The similarities end there.
.
Nicki Finn (M’Donna) has just been released from jail on a murder charge after four years [really?] in the clink, and Louden Trott (Griffin Dunne) has been assigned by his father-in-law, who houses his own motives, to see to it that she gets on the first bus outta town. Needless to say, Nikki effs everything up, cause she ain’t going quietly. She flaps about manically in staccato-like movements, has an annoying, dum-dum accent, and speaks in what can only be referred to as idiotic pentameter. (Thank you, Dana V. You inspire me). The stressed Louden just wants to get Nikki on a bus, drive the misplaced wildcat (who is there for no reason) to its owner, and get married. However, in between Nikki wrecking his car and shoplifting the entire state of NY, Louden gets caught up in her plans to clear her name. Opposites attract. No one cares. Nothing matters. You’ll wish you were dead.
.
The cartoonish vixen that Madonna presents may have been cute in the over-enthused and arguably superficial eighties-– when she was at her peak–but today her nonsensical and not really likable Nikki reads as the abrasive love child of Andy Warhol and Minnie Mouse if said child were appearing in an after school special for kindergartners. It’s that level of hamming. It’s not funny. Not for anyone with half a brain. Poor Dunne, for his part, is actually very good considering the environment that he has been cruelly asked to authenticate, but then this guy has always been solid, from An American Werewolf in London to Dallas Buyers Club. His chemistry with Madonna isn’t exactly there, but she’s an animated horror character, so you empathize.
.
The other “stock” characters clearly passed their own expiration dates sometime in the mid-nineties, including Haviland Morris (the booby girlfriend from Sixteen Ccandles) as the vapid WASP fiancé. You almost feel sorry for her and her mannequin impression. Almost. The main problem is that the film is so heavy-handed and busy laughing at itself and how CRAZY it is to ever be legitimately funny. “OMG, look what’s happening NOW! BAHAHAHA!” Shut up, movie. Burn in Hell. The final nail in the coffin is the surprisingly lackluster soundtrack. For reals, Mas Que Porra.
.
As we watch Madge 2014 dwindle in fame, desperately clutching at pom-poms to stay relevant, this film seems a bit prophetic in retrospect. When you strip the hype away, Madonna is more business than talent. She’s better onscreen when she’s more obscure and mysterious and forced to hold back, aka Desperately Seeking Susan or even Dick Tracy.A comedienne she is not. Perhaps she knew this though… At the film’s end, before the credits roll, we are left with a creepy as Hell still of her traumatizing face. Is she saying that she was left in the same coma as we by the film’s end, or is this another one of Madge’s magic ways of saying “Screw you, I can do whatever I want and you fools will take it!” The world may never know. Luckily, no one cares. Not anymore, old lady.
.
Rating:
2 out of 5 Krazee-Eyez Killas
imagesMB7EXKZK imagesMB7EXKZK
.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply