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Review: THE CRUSH (1993)

by Meredith Grau
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Best Bad Quote:
“Guess What?! Got my period.”
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If history has taught us anything about women, it is that they need some “P” in the “V.” Without it… Well, they damn near lose control! Cat fights ensue, text marathons with facially disintegrating emoticons blow up your talk piece, and sometimes overt stalker behavior can take shape and turn drastically ugly. I don’t know about you, but if I were a dude, I couldn’t imagine anything worse than little Alicia Silverstones popping up unexpectedly all over my business, especially with her twisted, vagina mouth. There it sits, smack dab in the middle of her face– a tempting fellatio fallacy that is actually the portal to Hell! When left un-lubricated, it gets downright disgruntled, and you best believe she will come at you bro– haha, “cum”– probably while singing Aerosmith’s “Crazy!”
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The Crush follows Nick Eliot (Cary Elwes) as he moves into the guest house of some snobby Richie Richertons before starting his new job as a local journalist. To his vanity’s delight, his landlords’ daughter Adrienne aka “Darian” (Silverstone) develops an instant crush on him, which she showcases by coming over to his apartment in her nightie, smoking stogies (vagina fumata), and otherwise sunbathing in her teeny bikinis beneath his window. At first, Nick gets an ego boost and feels sorry for the lonely girl, who has clearly suffered a great deal of adolescent pressure to become the smartest little princess around. However, as Darian’s obsession grows, he realizes that this is no minor infatuation. The first clue hits him when the fourteen-year-old girl rapes his mouth, after which flattery quickly turns to fear. Nick tries to be the adult. He distances himself, focuses on his career, and starts a relationship with pretty co-worker Amy (Jennifer Rubin). Unfortunately, Darian doesn’t take rejection very well. Bitch goes cray-cray.
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In reaction, Darian builds shrines in Nick’s basement, she call him continuously (despite the fact that he lives on her property and she could quite easily just walk over to his place), she scratches up his newly finished car, she tries to kill her own best friend, and then she attacks Nick’s girlfriend. With wasps. (It’s possible). She is also creepy as f*ck. Forget Cher Horowitz. This was before the Clueless days of “as if.” These are the days of “Ahhhhhhh!” Actually, Silverstone is shockingly good in the movie in that she makes your foreskin crawl. (Or so I’ve heard). She is able to portray her character’s psychotic and delusional fixations, mixed with a young girl’s stunted and immature mannerisms, mixed with a predatory sexuality beyond her years: “Hey Nick, ever do a virgin?” Shudder. It’s not hot. Not at all. This is succubus central. She will certainly scare you out of any cradle robbing tendencies you may possess.
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The rest of the cast is also good, which makes up for the hokey material. Kurtwood “Give Him a Hand” Smith makes an appearance as Darian’s protective and equally scary father, and Rubin is commendable as the less scary girlfriend with an adult “crush.” Elwes performs ably in the part, though his English accent slips in and out during his attempt at the standard American dialect. He’s amiable enough, even if he wears nerd glasses and comes off a bit cocky. I mean, you can definitely see why two women are fighting over him. He’s so… He’s… Uh… He was in the Princess Bride! Geez… No, it doesn’t make sense, but then attraction rarely does.
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The movie has plenty of laughable moments: Darian crying over a candle because her imaginary boyfriend doesn’t like her. Darian scary-psycho faces. Darian here. Darian there. Darian, Darian, everywhere! But nothing, nothing will ever surpass the climactic “mega-punch.” Man, is it good! My friends and I must have rewound and rewatched this spectacular moment over and over again on the VHSizzle. It just makes you feel good… Alicia may be the ’90s queen, but I think we can all agree that we’d like to punch her in the face, if only for starring in Blast from the Past. And Excess Baggage. And Batman and Robin. There’s something not quite right about this girl. She’s a celluloid blob of WTF. It makes you uncomfortable. So, yeah. Punch city!
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Even though this movie perpetuates some very anti-feminist perceptions, you can’t help but enjoy it. It exaggerates every man’s worst nightmare, which is uncomfortable for the lads and funny for the ladies. Strangely, if the roles were reversed, the man’s obsession of the female would probably be read as sexy in a Marquis de Sade kind of way. (See Lifetime Movie Channel). Female infatuation in cinema is rarely as erotically inviting. (See Fatal Attraction). But we’ll let that argument go for today. Sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy the cliches… And fallen ’90s idols.
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Rating:
4 out of 5 Angry Vagina Monologues
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