Tango_and_Cash_Kurt_Russell_Drag

The Many Faces of Kurt Russell: TANGO & CASH (1989)

.
 
Best Bad Kurt Quote:
“I don’t wannna get killed by this limey, immigrant jerk off! I want to get killed by an American jerkoff!!!”
.
I can’t express how magnificent this film is. It is every bad action movie cliche you have ever seen or heard but further fueled by the testosterone fireball twin pack of Sylvester “the Italian Stallion” Stallone and Kurt “Don’t Cut the Mullet” Russell. Why didn’t these guys work together more often? They could have cured cancer or solved the energy crisis with their sunbeam smiles and soulful eye rolls! We would’t need money, because we’d exist on high-fives and trade neon slinkies instead of hurtful words. Lt. Raymon Tango and Lt. Gabriel Cash are two tough, competitive Ken Doll coppers. You get to see their hairless bodies too, a moment that offers inspiration for the dudes and eye candy for the ladies. (Do you prefer your trunks round and full or taut and perky? There’s something for everyone).
.
These guys are polar opposites, fighting the same war on drugs on different sides of Los Angeles. Tango (Stallone) handles the West side; Cash (Russell) the East. They’ve built up quite a competition in the press, essentially taking turns taking down criminals (whoopah!), but as they set their sights on the main event– crime lord Yves Perret (Jack Palance)– they are forced to combine their unique forces to kill la cocaina forever! Shut up. It’s BEAUTIFUL! Granted, this is clearly a ridiculous attempt to copy the iconic Riggs and Murtaugh chemistry of Lethal Weapon, which was released two years prior. No getting around that. However, instead of a young rebel cop with no limits (Riggs), we have Cash– a cop who makes crime look fun, (in addition to making the loose tank and wide-necked tee the fashion staples of the day). Instead of the uptight and crotchety, black, family man (Murtaugh), we have the bespectacled and swarthy Giorgio Armani of pristine, pin-striped justice (Tango).
.
Cash is rough around the edges and impulsive; Tango is polished and overly calculating. BUT, they both play hard and by their own rules. You’d think with their magnum-sized egos that they’d mix like oil and water, but when they are forced to prove their innocence after a frame up, they go together like peanut butter and jelly. Legit’. Their bromance is one for the record books. They make teenie-weenie-peenie quips, “don’t drop the soap” jokes, and they argue over who has the bigger “gun.” In fact, their surprise chemistry during this unexpected collaboration gets you all amped up! The erotic tension is “off the chain, yo’.” But, to keep things from getting too weird, production brought in a very young Teri Hatcher to do some high kicks and play the drums Sheila E-style. Her rhythmic hotness in silver spangles brings the sexually confused atmosphere back to a much more kosher, hetero level.
.
But seriously, if you don’t take this movie seriously, you will enjoy it. You will perhaps find yourself happier than you have ever been. I mean, there are more cheesy one-liners in the first five minutes– “Rambo… is a pussy”– than in Rodney Dangerfield’s entire career, counting Ladybugs. The violence and any and all action that occurs is performed so flippantly that being shot multiple times, or stuffing a grenade down your pants, seems not only like an awesome idea but one that could be one Hell of a rollicking good time! Between the immortality of the ’80s and ’90s horror villains and the impenetrability of its cops, I think my entire generation stopped believing in death. (Maybe this is why we have no moral compass nor understanding of repercussions)? Russell’s mullet never has a hair out of place, and Stallone doesn’t even break into his token, shiny-skinned sweat. In fact, I can’t remember there being any actual blood in this movie… They just shoot people, go boom!, complain about some minor back aches, and then start ribbing each other like the Lambda Alpha Pi “Delts” that they are! (“LAPD,” if you’re nasty). In summation, I want them to be my best friends, so I can fire guns that shoot starbursts of love into the hearts of every American citizen.
.
I dare say that Master Kurtis outshines Sly in this one. His loose-cannon charisma even looks good in heels. (He is not an attractive woman, which attests to his true manliness). Sly is a bit odd as a comic straight man, and you really want more from him, but the good-natured humor he has in the role is enough to at least temporarily curb your Cliffhanger cravings. (He’s Stallone. He’s friggin’ awesome no matter what he does. Face it). Jack Palance is also an… interesting treat. I don’t really understand his character’s attraction to rats, but this choice is just another example of this movie’s over-application of every expected cliche. Anyway, the plot isn’t what matters. What matters is these bros putting each other before hos, kicking ass, and taking names. The film’s only flaw is that they never kissed… In 1989, the world wasn’t ready for that much Tango & Cash. (As ever, I remain ahead of my time).
.
Rating: 
5 out of 5 Electric Shocks of BFF Brawn
tango_and_cash_1989_685x1000_633207 tango_and_cash_1989_685x1000_633207 tango_and_cash_1989_685x1000_633207 tango_and_cash_1989_685x1000_633207 tango_and_cash_1989_685x1000_633207
.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply