tremors

Review: TREMORS (1990)

.
Best Bad Quote:
“You’d think after eating all those sheep, they’d have to take a dump someplace…”
.
What’s long, hard, has intimidating girth, is surprisingly fast, is always rudely poking around, and won’t take “No” for an answer? Ew! Get your head out of the dirt, you pervert! Seriously, get it out, or a big scary monster will Machu Eatchu!!!! You see, there are these overgrown worm creatures that are cursed with the perpetual, raging munchies. They swim through dirt like it’s Jell-O pudding and have enough strength to pull you and your entire truck underground, if that’s what it takes to get some din-din. Nevermind where they came from. The movie presents a beautiful “let’s gloss this over” conversation in response to that question, which leaves the inhuman villains’ predatory existence a freaktastic mystery to both haunt and disturb the viewer– in between belly laughs, of course. The point is, they’re here, they’re hungry, and they can smell the bacon!
.
KEVIN Bacon, that is! Yes, the man who made skinny jeans acceptable for men (in this very film) is our story’s hero, Valentine– a down on his luck, sick ‘n’ tired handyman who is ready to bust out of this one horse desert-town with his partner Earl (Fred Ward) and go clean toilets in the big city, right out from under the gorgeous booties of “green-eyed blond” dream girls. (Sigh). Unfortunately, this iconically sultry sex-cobra gets stampeded and cockblocked by the aforementioned “tremor” jerks and forced to stay and fight for his life, his town, and its few, as yet uneaten, survivors instead. With his unique coiffure (not quite a Hulk Hogan mullet, not quite a Farrah Fawcett feather ‘do) and his startling redneck accent, Valentine will join forces with his slightly older and wiser (but just as stupid) pal Earl as well as the visiting geology student, Rhonda (Finn Carter)– who’s ugly a’cause she’s smart– to prove that Man is indeed still King of the Jungle! Or desert, in this case… Screw you, nature! Ka-pow!!!
.
This movie was always a favorite for me as a kid. It’s not heavy nor overly intense, and it doesn’t take itself seriously at all. The saving grace of the film, which is otherwise filled with much scenery-chewing (literally) and “yer an id’jit” hamboning, is the unique specificity of its villains, who are essentially bulldozing dinosnakes. Not only do these things come from below, but– being sightless- they hunt their prey by sensing their vibrations aka human tremors. (This begs the question, who IS the real monster)??? So, whether you’re bouncing a basketball, like the token, annoying pre-teen in the film, or hopping on a pogo-stick, like the girl from Jurassic Park, or just quietly listening to the radio with your wife, THEY WILL FIND YOU! They will pop up outta nowhere like gritty Jacks-in-the-Ground, without the taunting melody, and then they will tear you apart and eat you! You haven’t witnessed a death scene until you’ve watched some poor schmo being sucked into what serves as quick-dirt like he’s being flushed down an uncooperative commode. If Valentine had only used a plunger, several lives could have been saved in the filming of this movie…
.
Yet, this sole, sensory handicap also presents the Achilles’ ass of the tremors, which is coincidentally a ray of hope for their prey. They can’t see you, they can’t hear you, they can’t smell you. Evasion is possible, if intelligently done. As such, the townspeople take to standing stock still, preferably on large boulders or roofs, and being vewy, vewy quiet as their only defense. For example, you get to see good ol’ Kev’ doing a boot scoot boogie of sorts as he swings his leg back and forth, up and down, to avoid detection from a nagging lil’ trem’. (Those skinny jeans… They’re magical)! The SpFX are a little dated but hold up fairly well, almost specifically because they are actual, tangible creations made by the now undervalued and underutilized wizards of the industry, who are increasingly being replaced by computer mouses. (Computer mice)? Who cares. The big lugs that they designed for this project are large, intricate vessels of raw instinct, and with three extendable tongue brothers shooting from their mouths to help them out (yeah), they pretty much take the cake on the bizarre/creepy spectrum. The “gore” is another story… When these suckers bleed, explode, etc, their guts look like orange Jell-O. (It all comes back to Jell-O). Maybe that was a creative choice, as this movie proves that there actually is always room for Jell-O. These guys have insatiable appetites, so… Do the marketing math. The human remains and bloody sheep shrapnel also leave something to be desired in the realm of anatomical authenticity, but this movie isn’t about blood and guts. It’s about glory.
.
Tremors teaches you a lot: A) Teamwork is for champions, B) Ugly, smart girls may not be much in the boobage department, but their intelligence will help you out of many a “sticky situation,” And C) Every American citizen should be packin’. Behold the reasoning behind the 2nd Amendment: you never know when or where the enemy will appear, but you better be totin’ bullets like Reba McIntire when it comes! This overacted catastrophe is a sci-fi ’90s crowdpleaser. It’s not bad enough to draw antipathy and not good enough to be emotionally or psychologically demanding. Halleleujah! With its sexual undertones– phallically shaped, massive vibrators, comin’ ta getcha?– it is sure to leave you with only pleasing and satisfied sensations. If this doesn’t do it for you, I’m sure that at least hearing the Bac-o-matic holler, “Hey! Hey, old Fred!” in unconvincing, exasperated concern, will make the whole experience worth it.
.
Rating:
5 out of 5 Flavorful Bacon Bits
tremors13-bacon_ward-500x268 tremors13-bacon_ward-500x268 tremors13-bacon_ward-500x268 tremors13-bacon_ward-500x268 tremors13-bacon_ward-500x268
.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply