Review: MALICIOUS (1995)

by Meredith Grau –


Best Bad Quote:

“Did he put his cock somewhere he shouldn’t have?”


It’s hard out there for a “honey.” When ingenues enter that awkward age– “not a girl, not yet a woman”– the industry doesn’t quite know what to do with them. Hence, the challenge of career transcendence: do you allow yourself to remain typecast as the little-girl-next-door, or do you rebel against the iron cage of artistic imprisonment? There is but one fool-proof way for an actress to prove that she has “grown up” into a bona fide leading lady: take off your shirt and show ’em your boobies! There is also only one way to convince the masses of your versatility: play a psychotic bitch. A super savvy actress puts these two factors together– Glenn Close-style– and takes on the token role of the stalker whore from Hell. The gamble always pays off.Always, e.g. Swim Fan (2002), Obsessed (2009), and Devil in the Flesh (1998). In addition to showcasing each actress’s seriousness due to her performance in the corresponding film, these movies also do much to affirm the loathsome threat of potent female sexuality, as well as the fairer sex’s insanely compulsive need to land a boyfriend, come win, lose, or murder. (Bitches be choppin’, am I right)? However, there is always an exception to prove the rule. In this peculiar genre that exception is Malicious. Play Misty for Me, it is not. [Do not see this movie].
Molly Ringwald: the princess of the ’80s. This unlikely, ginger heroine birthed some of the most iconic characters of the big hair era– Andie of Pretty in Pink, Claire of The Breakfast Club, Sam of Sixteen Candles… Cherish these movies. Let them hold firm in their sacred and uncontaminated place of adolescent honor. Do not watch anything that Molly Ringwald did after 1989. Molly’s precious sweetness did not transfer well into the grunge-fueled period of the nineties. It was in this decade that she felt her career slipping and made the most desperate, horrid, abominable, and “malicious” of mistakes. [Do not see this movie]. This film was directed by some guy named Ian Corson. He only has two films on his resume, including this one. (I wonder why). It was written by some guy named George Saunders. He never wrote another movie. (I. Wonder. Why). The plot follows college Baseball star Doug (Patrick McGaw) who is seduced by the creepy-as-f*ck Melissa (Ringwald), and despite his relationship with loving but vanilla girlfriend Laura (Sarah Lassez) decides to bang the former in his convertible. The top is down, but don’t ask me how he “got it up.” Between Melissa’s crazy eyes and total lack of sex appeal, you would think that the only thing he could produce from this rendezvous was petrified wood. In any case, in screwing this hosebeast, Doug screws himself, because this loony bitch isn’t going anywhere.
The standard consequences follow. Soon, Melissa starts stalking her “true love” (“No means no,” bitch!), calling him all the time, showing up unannounced, and threatening him and those he loves! Doug’s relationship with his girlfriend suffers, as does his performance on the field, and soon even his poor mommy’s life is in danger. Nothing particularly interesting or thrilling happens, just more of that ball-shrivelling, machismo deteriorating, Ringwald charm. She radiates that special kind of sensuality; the kind that makes you want to touch yourself. In the ear. With a knife. So you can make it stop… Anyway, the horn-dog male is taught a valuable lesson: if you find a nice, wholesome, submissive female like Laura, lock that down and keep your pee-pee in your pocket. Laura is also taught a lesson: if you want to keep your mans, you have to be more sexier– doing it in a library is not gonna cut the mustard forever. The only person in the film who doesn’t learn a goddamn thing is Melissa, whose skewed perception of reality tells her that drugging and raping Doug (it’s possible) is a perfect example of consensual sex. [Do not see this movie]. Tensions rise, and the more desperately Melissa tries to convince Doug that she loves him enough for the both of them, the more Doug tries to escape her lunacy, protesting that he loveth her not! Things come to the inevitable, climactic head– I do not mean that in a sexual sense AT ALL– and Doug regains his manhood and returns to Laura. Phew! Now they have established the proper lines of demarcation between the man, his man cave/sacred space, and his woman.
This movie is so bad that it is horrible. I may even go so far to say it is repulsive. Granted, it is equally hilarious, because the acting and storyline at no moment beg the viewer to take the ensuing incidents seriously. Unfortunately, not even Molly Ringwald’s surprisingly impressive rack– which normally would be a special treat for the fellas– can’t distract one from the highly uncomfortable… everything. I would rather die than watch this again. This movie ruined my life. It ruined a piece of my childhood that I can never get back. I am scarred. Perhaps even more than when Sgt. Riggs turned anti-semite, Molly Ringwald’s metamorphosis into a succubus has stained me. You can’t go back to the before. You just can’t. So, if you want to have a good laugh over a sloppy, stupid, stalker film, go elsewhere. Go for the Erika Christensens and the Rose McGowans. Don’t go Ringwald. She will leave you bone dry. Pun intended. [Don’t make me sat it again].
1 out of 5 Molly Dead Balls

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One Response to “Review: MALICIOUS (1995)”

  1. mike dobey says:

    molly has been in quite a few tv series and good movies since her teen days. She mainly has done tv though. And as time went on her image has changed. This is a ok film. And I think molly made this film a lot better than it would be otherwise. If you just watch this without thinking of her early output it’s not so bad. And yeah she has a nice rack for sure. That scene is very memorable. It’s sad that she could not get better roles but at least she’s still around making tv roles mainly. But also she did some decent film work in the last twenty years too. Obviously she was not a big star like in her youth. , but she was a working actor and a still a valid actor. Many teen actors don’t make that bridge at all.

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