critters-4

Review: CRITTERS 4 (1992)

.
Best Bad Quote:
“Chill out… Asshole.”
.
I’m going to try to make this quick and painless, which is a favor Rupert Harvey did NOT do for me. Gee, I wonder why he never directed another movie?Critters 4 blows. There are bad movies that make you laugh, bad movies that make you cry, and then there are bad movies that make you want to jam a fork in you eye, fling it to a pack of wild dogs, and for better entertainment watch them eat it, then crap it out, then eat it again, then crap it…
.
If you’re not caught up, let me help you. There’s no need, but let me help you anyway. At the end of Critters 3, Charlie (Don Opper) was summoned by Ug (Terence Mann) to cease and desist the Crite wipe out and bring the last two eggs in the entire universe back to space for scientific purposes. Charlie naturally obeys, and before he knows it, he is shot to space. Ironically, we the audience, are simultaneously shot to shit. (Is that ‘ironic?’ That Morissette bitch really screwed us all over). Anyway, a spacecraft of interstellar garbage collectors (or something) are sent to pick up the undisclosed “package” of Charlie + Critter eggs and… ZOOM!: Critters in space. The perfect song here would’ve been Ozzy Osbourne’s “Mama, I’m coming home.” Unfortunately, this movie appears to have had the budget of my bank account in Junior High. There is literally astroturf for no reason.
.
Despite the intriguingly diverse motley “crew” of characters, not even Daniel Day-Lewis could’ve saved this rocket ship of suck. Angela Bassett (who chose to follow-up her performance in Boyz in the Hood with this crockery) give good bicep as the bad ass Fran aka Linda Hamilton in T2. One of the coolest character actors of all time, Brad Dourif, adds some brains to the situation with his usual knack for making shit work, but sadly, neither of these talents can defeat the leftover dosage of hackneyed Hell. Creepy captain Rick (Anders Drove) decide if he’s doing a John Malkovich or a Jeremy Irons impersonation, so he winds up sounding like Sloth from Goonies instead; the weird ponytail guy from Twin Peaks serves no purpose other than making you warm to Sinead O’Connor; and the film’s hero Ethan (Paul Whitthorne) clearly got lost on his way to Side Out 2: Seriously, Volleyball is a Sport. (My prayers go out to C. Thomas Howell. This could have been the project to save him). The good news is, two out of three of these last, excruciatingly awful characters die– one with a critter in his mouth. Meh… It is a flickering moment of satisfaction that does nothing to dull the pain.
.
The worst part is, there are only two Critters in the movie, and you see so little of them that this might as well be Who Give a F*ck Part One instead of Critters 4. What is this, Waiting for Cruttman? The pinnacle of creativity is making one of the Crites bald (from a laser beam attack). See, this way you can tell the 2– TWO– critters apart. Do you see? The lovable, furry anti-heroes’ master plan in this swan syonara is to bogart an experimental machine on the spaceship, multiply themselves back to greater numbers, and return to earth in time for dinner. I don’t blame them. I’d want to get the Holy Jesus (soft “J”) out of there too. Oh, and the big curve ball in the film is that Ug has gone corporate and no longer cares about preserving human life. He just wants the Crites “for the money.” [Confused stank face]. It’s highly political. No one cares.
.
So, we have a sub-standard plot laced with no humor or personality and topped off with a brazenly retarded ending set to the sorriest excuse for a “song” ever written. Add it together, and you get 100 minutes of life robbed right out from under you. Be safe, keep your Queues clean, and never attempt anything higher than a movie menage a trois. This one belongs in mothballs.
.
Rating:
1 out of 5 “Mouthballs” (Snap)
critters4_6
.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply