Review: Confessions of a Porn Addict (2008)
By Aaron Vaccaro – Head Writer
Best Bad Quote:
“I don’t think I can sweat the semen out of me. I don’t think that’s how it works.”
No, I did not sit down to review Confessions of a Porn Addict (CPA) with a box of Kleenex and a feeling of shame. I did however sit down expecting CPA to be a shameless capitalization of having the word “porn” in its title. This movie was instead a pleasant surprise filled with heartwarming characters, great comedic moments, and a “cock cage.”
CPA is a mockumentary following Mark Tobias, a self proclaimed porn addict, who is facing a lawsuit after being caught masturbating in an adult video store. Porn has ruined Mark’s life in a multitude of ways but the most prominent being his wife leaving him. We follow Mark on his journey to rid himself of his addiction which takes him to a “Porn Addicts Support Group” where he meets his sponsor, Bob, who we learn has not ejaculated in 8 years. When Mark discovers that his ex-wife is now acting in porn films produced by his favorite production company, Bob, along with the documentary crew, convince Mark that the only way to overcome his affliction is to go to Los Angeles and ask his wife for one more chance.
At first I was a little confused as to what exactly the tone of CPA was going to be and it didn’t help that the protagonist, Mark, played by Spencer Rice, looked like a creepy Luke Wilson and was in turn totally believable as a chronic masturbator. The movie quickly settles into its dark comedy tone when Mark starts attending the support group where Bob reveals that his porn cat nip is a German movie called, “Spanked for Sucking Dog,” combining his two favorite things in life, bondage and bestiality. At this point I realized, okay, this movie is going to be a tad bit ridiculous. It gets progressively more absurd when the focus shifts to Los Angeles, with Mark, Bob, and the film crew stalking raunchy porn producer, Rob Black of Extreme Associates, in order to get close to his newest ingenieux, Felice Shayyo (get it?), who is Mark’s ex-wife.
I’m sure you are wondering if I was ever going to come back and explain the “cock cage.” Alright, for you I will. In a moment of crisis, Mark calls his Bob who rushes over to Mark’s apartment with a solution. The solution is exactly what it sounds like, a cage for your cock, made to keep you from getting an erection and subsequently curbing the desire to want to masturbate. CPA is filled with some really bizarre moments that you just can’t help but laugh at such as “Diablo,” a physically handicapped former homeless man turned performer for Extreme Associates, or a touching scene where Mark is reunited with his ex-wife while she’s in the midst of filming her “Extreme Bukkake Party” video.
At only 80 minutes, I gotta say, I wanted a little more, as I found myself growing quite fond of these characters. Confessions of a Porn Addict is not as disgusting as it sounds, but instead a lot of fun. However, you still might want to wash your hands afterwards. Just sayin’.
3 out of 5 Creepy Luke Wilson’s in an Adult Video Store.